Tucker Carlson Accepts News Director Position At OAN

Carlson Parted Ways With Fox Monday Morning
OAN’s News Director Died Unexpectedly Last Week
“Almost like it was meant to be,” said Carlson
Fox Stock tumbles 4 points
Washington, DC – Tucker Carlson and Fox News parted ways Monday morning in the wake of a lawsuit settlement that had the network telling nasty lies about the popular pundit. Within hours, Carlson had a verbal agreement with OAN to be its new Director of News, which also comes with a one-hour primetime slot.

“I’m pleased to represent my fans once again on a network that still has some integrity,” said Carlson, “I can promise you that OAN News will be the finest collection of topics chosen specifically for people who watched shows like mine.”

Carlson went on to thank his friends Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham for “always having his back” before Fox “put a knife in it.”

Carlson will continue to receive a paycheck from Fox for another two years and has signed an agreement not to sign with anyone else for that time period but he says that “as soon as that’s over” he’ll start captaining the OAN ship.

It’ll be well worth the wait, patriots. In the meantime, surely he’ll be filing some sort of lawsuit that asks for an ungodly amount of money. God Bless America.