Pabst Snatches $124 Million Deal From Bud as “Exclusive Provider” for Kid Rock’s World Tour

Anheuser Bush’s big Bud Light mistake is panning out nicely for Pabst. The brand’s famous Blue Ribbon beer, otherwise known as PBR, will be the exclusive provider when Kid Rock comes to town.

It doesn’t matter which venue it is, how large or how small. Kid Rock has secured a Bud Light-free experience for people looking for the true anti-snowflake eveneing.

Bud Light Executive Director Joe Barron says the company is restructuring now to figure out what to do with the more than 5,000 barrels of product it had produced specifically for Kid’s tour.

“Unfortunately,” said Barron, “we’ll probably take a hit on those. Bars don’t want them either.” This reporter was eager to point out that this is often how the next dumbass story in a series like this gets started. “So be it,” Barron responded, “when in Rome…”

Senior Correspondent Dan Russel confirmed that Romans do, in fact, do Rome-like things while in Rome. Here in America, however, things are different. Here, when you go woke, you go broke.

“Romans don’t go woke nearly as much as Americans,” said Russel, “and in some places, people say they technically don’t exist at all.” The sentiment is often debated on the steps of very old buildings in the city.

Pabst says it will absolutely follow Kid Rock all the way to the Vatican if they must. God Bless America.